You Need Me Here to be Your Mama Through and Through
I am on a healing journey on this road I travel. A journey to become the best version of myself I can be. However, I often face inner challenges that threaten to weaken my resolve. Even before becoming a mother, I have struggled with deep depression, suicidal thoughts, and despairing feelings. Many times, I’d wonder why I was here on Earth, and, too many times to count, I’d have an existential crisis of overwhelming proportions.
Yesterday was one of those days where I struggled immensely. I was feeling like I was drowning in an existential, deep, dark pit of despair—the depth of torment that is often called, “The Dark Night of the Soul”. I had many thoughts come up of leaving my embodiment, for the pain in my heart was wrenching and raw. In fact, it was so severely agonizing at the time, I truly felt the only escape was suicide…
But I hung on…
And I’m so glad I did, because I am a mama.
Now, I cry tears of relief that I chose to stay, because if I had gone, who would care for you, little one?
Sure, someone could step in, but who would know your heart like I do…like a mama knows her child’s heart?
Who could truly be your mama?…
Who would lay with you during your two hour naps because mama knows you only nap so soundly when you are in the arms of love?
Who would offer their breast when you’re hungry, fussy, or tired—the breast that not only offers physical nourishment but emotional and spiritual nourishment?
Who, when you are hurting, would give you those special mommy kisses that make everything better?
Who, when there is so much to get done and do, would choose to play with you and be so utterly present with you that the TV doesn’t come on all day?
Who, when you feel under the weather, would know your ticklish spots and just the right sequence of “boops” to make you giggle?
Who, when you awaken in the morning, would be there to sing “Good Morning, Malakai, sunshine…” and greet you with adoration and love?
Who, after a tiring and over stimulating day, would be your safe place, your soft place to land…your sanctuary?
Who, when you need gentleness and tenderness, would know how to rock you to sleep just right to bring you dreams of angels and peace?
Who, day after day…moment after moment…, would so tenderly hold you, love you, and adore you till their heart breaks open?
Who could truly be your mama?
I feel no one could fill that role but me…
And as your mama, no matter how hard it gets…no matter how deep into despair I go…No matter how much I have to face on my healing journey…
I vow to stay because you need me here…
You need me to be your mama…through and through.